I turned 30 yesterday, finishing out my third decade.
and we celebrated with breakfast and dinner
and then today a long overdue hair appointment
and the sweetest surprise party.
this time last year,
I was obsessing over a 30 before 30 list.
30 goals to reach.
30 dreams to chase.
30 ways to make me feel like maybe
I didn’t waste those 30 years
because sometimes I just don’t know…
The hours and the days that took me from 29 to 30 felt a lot like drowning
and I’m still trying to come up for air.
February 14th was the last time I wrote here.
One week later the second line I’d been begging for
showed up on that pregnancy test.
And all of the sudden my voice was gone.
The grief I’d been trying to deal with
seemed to suffocate and silence me.
The days seemed painfully long and
yet they never seemed to hold enough hours.
Exhaustion, I’ve never known, engulfed me.
More than just being physically tired,
this was buried deep within me.
A soul tired.
It wasn’t even the right words I lacked
but rather any words, ideas, or vision at all.
When May fell into June, I could not help myself
but to fixate on all the ways I disappointed myself.
The goals unreached. The projects left undone.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
I’ve heard this said a thousand times, and I myself have said it too.
I scrolled through my endless boards of “inspiration” on Pinterest.
Pins that had caught the eye of tens of thousands of followers.
And all I saw was a sea of photos that screamed all my shortcomings at me.
That stripped my creativity, stole my joy, and stirred anxious discontentment in my heart.
I’ve been holding tight to those images, as if they were trophies to win,
knowing for a while that God was calling me to let them go.
And admitting that feels so silly,
because I imagine that most people don't struggle with,
what I struggle with.
Comparison, contentment, joy.
But here I stood, staring at my own sinners heart,
and asking God to make something of the mess I am.
And maybe these words don't make any sense at all,
but I said goodbye to the soul sucking social media.
And I am bidding a difficult farewell to the checklist of goals
that encourage the idea that we have any control at all.
Cheers to 30 years of lessons.
30 years of being carried by a gracious God.
30 years of being treasured.
30 years of being loved.
May the next 30 years be poured out at His feet,
for His great glory.