I loved everything about your arrival day.
How my water broke in the middle of the gym.
How Rooney thought it must be Halloween.
How it was midday and not middle of the night.
The beautiful labor suite.
The bathtub and ball and walking the hallway.
The friend that stopped to pray.
How just when I gave up hope that you would actually show up on the 17th
my body kicked in to action and you arrived 20 minutes before midnight.
I didn’t write about my pregnancy with you.
I planned to.
Before you were even conceived I planned to photograph and document every moment of it.
I had all these dreams because that was all I had.
When we couldn’t start trying.
I had dreams.
When I was waiting for a positive.
I had dreams.
I remember the day you became a reality.
We’d been trying. It was too early to tell but I was desperate to know.
I had read something on a pregnancy board about cold symptoms and early pregnancy.
I had been feeling a little under the weather, and there was a test in the bathroom.
It’s too soon I told myself as I held that test.
You are being silly and impulsive and there’s no way, even if you are...I muttered as I took the test. I paced that tiny bathroom and repeated my mantra “it’s going to be negative - you need to wait five more days” and then I saw it. Or I thought I did. Maybe...Was it?
My stomach, my throat, everything was in knots.
“Honey?” I called out. “Can you look at something for me?”
I remember that cautious smile that spread across your daddy’s face.
I remember how we went out for ice cream and I couldn’t stop smiling.
Being pregnant with you was hard.
I had such bad morning sickness but I was so grateful.
I had such bad anxiety but I was so grateful.
I ached for your brother in heaven but I was so grateful, for you.
Those early weeks, when appointments were weeks on weeks apart,
and I couldn’t feel you move yet.
I wept. I fell apart in front of our midwife and she cried with me.
You scared us so many times
and I wondered every time if it would be the last belly photo.
The last kick.
The last appointment.
Would this be the day I lost you?
I’ve wanted you for so long.
When your sister was born, I knew I wanted you too.
When I was a single mama, I prayed for you.
When I was engaged to your daddy, I longed for you.
When we got married, you were all I could think of.
When your brother passed away, I was desperate for you.
Countless prayers were sent up to heaven for you.
Countless tears were shed over you.
Countless daydreams were had about you.
You are so loved,
So deeply cherished.
We waited so long for you.