Grief & praise music.

I planned on writing about grieving tonight.
This is my first experience with true grief and I had the intention of sharing what it has been like.

I’ve written and erased so many words.

“How are you doing?” is the ever asked question that feels impossible to answer. 

I’m sad. 
I will continue to be sad. 
I lost my son. 

There are many, many moments where I am face to face with someone
saying “I’m okay” because there aren’t tears streaming down my face. 

I’m sad. (and I’m okay)
I’m exhausted. (and I’m okay)
I’m heartbroken. (and I’m okay)
I’m angry. (and I’m okay)

These are all the words I’ve got in me tonight. 
Each day has felt harder than the one before, which I didn’t expect. 
And later this week, or maybe next week, I will have more to say.
I will have more eloquence than I do right now. 

Praise music has been saying all the words that I can’t seem to get out.
All the words I want to feel, I want to say. 

So I sing them, hear them, and sometimes even turn the volume down and ignore them.
But they are still there and still true. 


The Ministry of Fluff.

I love the Lord. My hope and prayer is always to be someone who hears and listens to His voice and walks in His ways. And sometimes I struggle with the weight of this.

I do my best to live out my days in a way that glorifies God and points to the Gospel message. And I find this especially true in this space. I desire the words I share to be meaningful and missional. To feel profound and sound poetic. To not just be taking up space.

But the truth is, my brain these days is more filled with meal plans and time saving strategies than it is filled with poetic or profound words.  

I have grappled with wanting to share less weighty ramblings here. Yet, when I start to type, or jot down notes, or take a photo of my mundane days, I freeze up.

Is this important?
Is this relevant to the Gospel?
Are my words and efforts better spent in other avenues? 

I've been considering what I have termed "the ministry of fluff".

Is there a place for this?
Can there be a gospel message in this?
Is it possible that fluff is where we find community? 

Buried within recipes, budget hacks, and home renovation projects is there an opportunity to connect more meaningfully? To live out the gospel? To share the soul freeing truth of Christ?

I cannot in complete confidence answer these questions but I do know that homemaking feels like holy ground. And that God has a history of using small men with small stones to take down big giants. And maybe He will use our ordinary days and our simple words and our fluff to reach the hearts of men. 

So, here's to more fluff, more unpoetic honesty, and more ordinary days. 

Attitude of Gratitude.

I've been in a rut. My husband isn't sure what that means and I don't even know if I am sure what I mean but I'm in a funk, out-of-sorts, struggling...It has been a BIG year for us. A little overwhelming at times. My sweet husband keeps encouraging me to focus on blessings and I just stare at him with the look because I've been in the kind of funk that refuses encouragement and would rather sulk in my own misery.

(truthfully, I am NOT miserable...more anxious and overwhelmed) 

HOWEVER, I am grateful...

For a successful cross-country road trip. 

For buying our first home, in spite of the hiccups. 

For a healthy, happy 4 year old.

For a new car.

For beach days on beach days on beach days.

For a trip back to Minnesota.

For a baby growing in my belly.

For two new pets to love.

For a loyal, pain-in-the-bum, doggy who has put up with new routines and a 4 year old. 

For two jobs.

For a church. 

For family.

For Snapchat and Skype.

For finishing school. 

For growth opportunities. 

For Netflix.

For chocolate.

For YouTube Kids.

For that green fleece blanket I snuggle every morning.

For first-time garden flowers that somehow managed to bloom.

For a husband who works SO hard...5 hours of overtime at 1am hard...

For bedtime and thunderstorms and microwave popcorn. 

For grace upon grace upon grace.