this has been a tough week
and you already know i’ve been avoiding you
because i didn’t get what i wanted
and as childish as that is to admit
i’ve been hurting and holding tight on to it
and not wanting to admit any of this to you
forgive me father
to be honest, it isn’t just this week,
or last month, or last year
these last five years have been tough
this last decade has been tough
I spread my grown up wings
and seemed to struggle from harm
to hurt to heartache.
then you restored me back to you
you welcomed me with open arms
you held me close while i wept
over my sins and my shames and my scars
then questions began to fill my head
doubts began to weigh me down
who am I?
...to this world
what plan do you have for me?
where are you leading me?
why have certain things happened?
why have other things fallen apart?
why are you doing this?
and like a toddler,
i’ve demanded answers to hard questions,
questions I won’t understand the answers too.
the truth is, I want to feel at peace
in my skin
in my faith
in my heart
in my self
I thought I knew who I was
thought I had it all figured out
I had carefully crafted hobbies,
and goals, and style.
and they were all meant to make up an identity
that I ached to be mine
but when my old self died
and I was born again in you
I didn’t know who I was anymore
and you call me daughter
you say I am worthy
and wanted and purposed
but I feel like a stranger
and most days I feel less than,
and looked over, and left out.
somewhere along the line
I stopped thinking of who you say I am
and started focusing on who I thought
you wanted me to be.
how should I talk?
how should I feel?
how should I think?
how should I dress?
and should will always be the death of us
to be honest, the church these days gives a lot of advice and opinions
I spent many Sundays
feeling out of place,
worshipping in a church
with your people
because of the way I dressed,
the tone of my voice,
the phrases I used
the jokes I made
the music I liked
the hobbies I had
the person I was.
and maybe it was all in my head
and maybe it wasn’t
and maybe it was a little bit of both
but it hurt all the same
and it pushed me toward you
led me right to you
and then drug me away again.
and I can’t ever seem to get close enough
can’t seem to let that guard down
and you don’t even need it down
but I know you want it to be.
want me to let you in
want me to show you all my mess
without hiding, or holding back.
and I want that too.