h o m e

  • prayer of a tired heart from hard years of hard weeks.

    hi God

    this has been a tough week

    and you already know i’ve been avoiding you

    because i didn’t get what i wanted

    and as childish as that is to admit

    i’ve been hurting and holding tight on to it

    and not wanting to admit any of this to you

    forgive me father

    to be honest, it isn’t just this week,

    or last month, or last year

    these last five years have been tough

    this last decade has been tough

    I spread my grown up wings

    and seemed to struggle from harm 

    to hurt to heartache. 

    then you restored me back to you

    you welcomed me with open arms

    you held me close while i wept

    over my sins and my shames and my scars

    then questions began to fill my head

    doubts began to weigh me down

    who am I?

    ...to you

    ...to this world

    what plan do you have for me?

    where are you leading me?

    why have certain things happened?

    why have other things fallen apart?

    why are you doing this?

    why? 

    whhyyyyy?

    and like a toddler,

    i’ve demanded answers to hard questions,

    questions I won’t understand the answers too.

    the truth is, I want to feel at peace 

    in my skin

    in my faith

    in my heart

    in my self

    I thought I knew who I was

    thought I had it all figured out

    I had carefully crafted hobbies,

    and goals, and style.

    and they were all meant to make up an identity

    that I ached to be mine

    but when my old self died 

    and I was born again in you

    I didn’t know who I was anymore

    and you call me daughter

    you say I am worthy 

    and wanted and purposed

    but I feel like a stranger

    and most days I feel less than, 

    and looked over, and left out. 

    somewhere along the line

    I stopped thinking of who you say I am 

    and started focusing on who I thought

    you wanted me to be.

    how should I talk? 

    how should I feel? 

    how should I think?

    how should I dress? 

    and should will always be the death of us

    to be honest, the church these days gives a lot of advice and opinions

    on shoulds. 

    I spent many Sundays 

    feeling out of place, 

    worshipping in a church

    with your people

    because of the way I dressed, 

    the tone of my voice, 

    the phrases I used 

    the jokes I made 

    the music I liked 

    the hobbies I had 

    the person I was. 

    and maybe it was all in my head

    and maybe it wasn’t

    and maybe it was a little bit of both

    but it hurt all the same

    and it pushed me toward you

    led me right to you

    and then drug me away again.

    and I can’t ever seem to get close enough

    can’t seem to let that guard down

    and you don’t even need it down

    but I know you want it to be. 

    want me to let you in

    want me to show you all my mess

    without hiding, or holding back. 

    and I want that too.

  • You don't need to be better, you need to be still.


    according to Pinterest 

    everyone else has more money, 

    more time, more well behaved children, 

    more creativity, more energy.

    everyone else has more.

    and I found myself buried in bookmarked websites last night. 

    pouring over years of pages  

    pages that told me

    how to sleep better

    how to eat better

    how to look better

    line after line 

    DIY after DIY

    to fix everything 

    my hair, my body, my relationships, 

    my communication skills, my skin,

    my house, my health, my kids, my husband, my career.

    and my heart heard whispers 

    maybe you don’t need to be better

    maybe you just need to be still.

    stop searching for your worth 

    on a Pinterest board

    stop burying yourself under the weight

    of bettering yourself

    stop worshipping the idol

    of having it together

    the only self-help book you need

    is the Word of God

    “come to me, all you who are burdened, and I will give you rest”

    you don’t need to do enough

    you need to realize that you are enough

    and the truth remains that

    He never called us to have it all together

    He called us to follow Him

    and this week

    with its endless disappointments

    has me quick to find a fix

    but not so quick to rest in Him. 

    we don’t need more 

    more things to make

    more things to buy

    more things to be

    more goals to achieve

    we need to be still

    and listen.

  • give us today.

    She made it to work on gas fumes and a prayer. 

    she said.

    On days like this, she remembers the Lord's Prayer,

    she said.


               Give us today, our Daily bread.

    He doesn't promise us yearly, monthly, or weekly bread

    she said.


    And that's where she was,

    struggling and scraping through each day.

    she said.


    My unbelieving heart was softened by her words.

    I knew that prayer,
    I had prayed that prayer a thousand times. 

    Not once did I hone in on that verse, 
    not once did I hone in on any verse. 

    When we just say the words, we miss the message. 

    Give us today, our Daily bread. 


    Lord, give us hearts that beat, today

    give us lungs that breath, today

    give us peace, and stength, and grace for today.

    give us wisdom, give us comfort for today. 

    Man cannot live on bread alone

    but in all our empty pockets, empty hearts, emptiness

    You give us enough, for each and every day. 

  • I love

    homemade cake

    handfuls of glitter

    causes for celebration

    party hats + horns

    deep conversations

    two glasses of wine

    warm donuts

    painful honesty

    struggles that strengthen

    gifts from God

    a healing cry

    awkward moments

    an unexpected joke

    a great playlist

    the smell of cut grass

    waves on bare feet

    shameless enthusiasm

    blank pages

    printed photographs

    hot buttered popcorn

    fields of wild flowers

    abandoned buildings

    old wooden churches

    weeping willows

    sunrises and sunsets

    strong hands

    and a gentle touch

    a well-executed pun

    a blanket fort

    white cotton dresses

    saltwater sandals

    pink cotton candy

    caramel apples

    fresh pressed cider

    the first kiss

    hands that graze

    a subtle blush

    grandma cardigans

    floral nightgowns

    rainbow sprinkles

    a hearty breakfast

    christmastime

    flower adorned crosses

    small talk with strangers

    a foggy morning jog

    drive-in movies

    fountains + pennies

    campfire s'mores

    the view from the mountaintop

    a sleeping babe in my arms

    perfectly timed Bible verses

    first snowflakes

    homemade hot cocoa

  • praying.

    I can't even get these thoughts together

    can’t form them into something that flows

    but I’m praying today. 

    praying for the women who are marching,

    whether in Washington, in their cities, or in their hearts.

    praying for the women who feel unloved, unheard, undervalued. 

    praying for the women who are hurting, who are angry, who are scared. 

    praying for healing

    praying for hope

    praying for peace

    praying for the babies who aren’t given a chance, whose lives are sacrificed without their consent. 

    praying for the hearts that are breaking, and voices that are raising, and groups that are dividing. 

    praying hard and tearful and whispered and desperate. 

    “men may spun our appeals, reject our message, oppose our arguments, despise our persons, but they are helpless against our prayers.” J. Sidlow Baxter

    praying, always.

  • across the country in seven days

    (I wrote these words Sunday night before we left, we are currently falling asleep in Wyoming)

    we are headed out in the morning

    headed out on a 3000 mile trek

    across the country

    and I was going to make a cute post

    with photos and routes and clever words

    but cute never seems to win over reality

    and here I am

    hours before the day is over

    exhausted 

    weary

    nervous

    not quite finished packing

    not quite finished worrying

    constantly praying

    and I suppose

    all that needs to be said

    is that there are 3000 miles

    46 hours

    7 days

    4 of us

    1 car

    and we are saying ten thousand prayers

    against snow

    and ice

    and accidents

    and illness

    and mechanical issues

    and the list goes on

    but really, we are praying for safety

    praying hard for it

    and praying for peace

    because I looked and listened to the worshipping

    around me this morning

    our last morning at our church

    and there were unexpected tears

    and my husband joked that he called it

    but I did not

    and the mountains were out this weekend

    and Poulsbo had on its Sunday best today

    and I cried. 

  • Born and raised.

    I took the long way home the other day

    and drove by the house that holds my earliest memories.

    we are in our last days here

    in this place I've called home for so long.

    and I'm lamenting the loss

    and wishing it away all the same.

    kitsap county is my born and raised.

    it's where I learned to walk, learned to talk.

    learned to drive, graduated high school,

    held my first job, had my first date,

    experienced my first heartbreak.

    it's where I came crawling back to,

    after every failure, every disappointment.

    it's where I gave birth, where I met my husband.

    and I drove that back road

    and remembered riding bikes to the gas station

    for bubble gum ice cream

    and I flew over that hill that makes my stomach drop

    like a roller coaster ride

    and I remembered.

    three days,

    seventy-two hours

    that is all I have left here.

  • goodbye to you // 2 0 1 6

    I scratched out 2016 in place of 2017 twice today

    and lamented the fact that these twelve photos were still sitting in a draft. 

    2016

    when it rang in

    I was wrung out. 

    It was the third year in a row I had prayed and pleaded and plotted to God for things to be different. 

    I don’t think I knew what I wanted

    just that I didn’t like where I was

    or who I was

    I resolved to be more spontaneous and interesting and adventurous…

    [january] so with the babe in tow we went to Utah and spent some time in the snow with my sister. 

    [february] I dyed my hair pink, failed miserably at making a boxed cake, and prayed, a lot.

    specific, gut wrenching, wound opening, heart healing prayers. 

    [march] I gave it all to God. my plans, my heartbreaks, my faith. 

    [april] I took Rooney on her first camping trip and came home with pink eye. 

    [may] I decided I was a glutton for punishment and took Rooney on another camping trip

    (during which I discovered this cute boy at church liked me too).

    [june] I took a childless trip to austin and stood in front of this wall

    because it was a cliche necessity and also, I was newly in love.

    [july] I came down with mono

    and moved all my stuff into a storage unit

    and then moved myself and the babe into a family friend’s downstairs

    and travelled to minnesota to meet my love’s family. 

    [august] I got dressed up for date night and this man

    that I had unknowingly been praying for for years

    got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife.

    [september] I helped my parents empty out the home I’d known for the last decade

    and waved good bye as they headed south. 

    [october] I packed, nay shoved, the rest of my belongings into two suitcases

    and flew to south to be with my parents for two months.

    I planned our wedding, struggled through school, and came down with bronchitis. 

    [november] I cried, a lot. about the future, about the present, about the details.

    I watched the babe leave me in the dust, I struggled. 

    [december] I married my best friend and nothing else mattered.

    We spent four days in charleston

    and then celebrated a simple christmas with family before flying back to washington. 

    2017

    I rang you in, in the arms of my husband

    and that alone is nothing short of miraculous.

    I’m excited and nervous and anxious

    to see what you have in store.

  • DIY Puppet Theater

    since leaving my job, almost two months ago (!!!)

    i've been rockin' the stay at home mom thing

    and by "rockin'" I mean, trying not to have a mental and/or emotional breakdown

    while attempting to keep my three year old both alive and entertained

    somedays are better than others

    some ideas are better than others

    a while back i came up with the idea to throw together a makeshift puppet theater

    with some poster board, cardstock, and popsicle sticks

    she LOVED it

    we sang "where is peppa?" for longer than i could stand

    and i was very proud and puffed up for a whole afternoon

    since arriving in florida, i decided to recreate the project 

    with slightly more care, the result was adorableness

    with minor complications

    the contact paper didn't stick quite as well as i had hoped

    and i forgot to leave bending room

    so tucking the sides in when i set it up

    was a bit tricky

    if i were to do it again, i may go with that can of spray paint

    (the one i put back in exchange for the contact paper)

    but all in all, she loved it all over again

    and really, thats why i do these things

  • do the stupid thing.

    even if it's stupid

    i tell myself.

    do the stupid thing

    i've been sitting on lists and ideas and dreams for months

    maybe even years

    been planning and scheming and daydreaming

    and then i sit in silence

    telling myself they aren't good enough

    (you aren't good enough)

    they aren't worth sharing

    (you aren't worth hearing)

    they aren't meaningful or significant or important

    (you aren't meaningful or significant or important)

    and these thoughts overwhelm me

    and the fear of failure

    of doing the stupid thing

    paralyzes me

    but i stood at the edge of the ocean today

    and as the mightiness of God was laid out before me

    i said those words

    even if it's stupid

    do the stupid thing

    because hidden in the lies we hear

    is the Truth that remains.

    when we live our lives in fear of failure

    satan wins

    do the stupid thing

    do the thing that makes your knees shake

    do the thing you think you aren't smart enough to do

    do the thing you think you aren't brave enough to do

    do the thing you think you aren't strong enough to do

    do the thing you aren't enough to do

    sometimes BIG things happen among those of us who aren't enough

    because He is more than enough

    . . . . . . . .

    pray for me, as i start working my way through that list of stupid things.