h o m e

Category
  • the best yes

    four weeks since he asked me to commit to forever. four months since he told me his name at church that one Sunday night. four months and it seems that it has been both a flash and forever.

    four years ago I was pregnant and insecure and asking the Almighty if I was ever going to hear those words. if I was ever going to be asked that question. 

    and for four years my heart, it broke, and it doubted, and it ached, and it fell for the wrong people, and it grappled with God.

    they say it happens when you least expect it. when you finally let it go. and those words can be hell to hear for a heart filled with longing.

    it wasn't when, or how, I least expected it. it wasn't when I let it go. it happened following disappointment and one final heartbreak. it happened when through tears and frustration and pain I fought back anger and determined that my longing would not be greater in my life than my God. that my longing would not be a barrier to loving my God.

    and then there you were. in a place I'd been every Sunday for months.

    six weeks passed before you introduced yourself and three months to the day I learned your name, you asked me to be your wife. 

    and it was the happiest yes I've ever said. 

  • slowing down

    these days go by quickly

    a little too quickly for me

    and in the midst of these days

    i lost a whole month to two misdiagnosed illnesses

    and a confirmed case of mono

    there was whining and weeping 

    and re-watching of the office

    and here i am

    here august is

    and we are just going to slow down

    be a little more grateful

    a little more intentional

    dust off that camera a little more

    capture the chaos and the quiet

    start something new

    explore somewhere new

    be joyful for small wins and simple moments

    be joyful in hard days and boring ones

    and love this ordinary life i am blessed to be living

  • when i discovered what self-care is and is not

    it is not another thing to add to the list

    it is not a guilt trip.

    it is not highlights

    or lowlights

    or lacquers 

    or liquor.

    self-care is a mindset that believes

    you are worthy of forgiveness, of grace, of belonging. 

    self-care chooses simple over stress

    it knows, or maybe just whispers, that you are more than pinterest parties

    and instagram photos

    it accepts that sometimes practical must come before perfect

    that somedays the meals will have been previously frozen

    and there will be more than the daily recommended screen time

    and the dishes are going to keep sitting there

    and the laundry can wait

    it looks at the messy life it is standing in

    and knows that compassion is always greater than comparison

    that we are not competing but we are conquering

    conquering small mountains, day in and day out. 

    that everyday,

    our presence,

    our pouring out of ourselves,

    is enough.

  • When Everyone Is Bouncing Back, And You're Falling Flat.

    And they call it bouncing back,

    as if it were as simple and natural as a rubber ball that hits concrete

    and shoots back up.

    And for some, maybe it is, that simple.

     

    I see photos of mamas nursing in bikinis,

    while my hands nervously tug at the hems of my shorts

    hoping the extra inches of my in-seam

    might hide my insecurities.

     

    The day she arrived, I fell apart.

    who I was crumbled

    that I might become who she needed.

     

    And it was more than just flesh that was sacrificed

    my house, my hair, my mental health

    it all fell apart.

    And I wandered into this new role

    without a clue, or a plan

    just a heart that beat hard for this girl

    and hope in the unknown plan, of an Eternal Father.

     

    And three years deep

    I’m still bouncing back.

    Still recovering, still adjusting,

    most days all my efforts seem to fall flat.

     

    But when all I see is failure,

    You see me.

     

    And you don’t judge worthiness

    By how quickly we bounce back

    But how quickly we fall to our knees.

     

    And while the world may overlook

    Those of us that don’t measure up

    You’ve been using us,

    Who fall flat, fall short, fall apart,

    As a measure of Your love.

     

    When our hearts ask,

    Am I enough?

    You whisper, I can fill you up.

     

     

     

  • enough is enough.

    Saturday was simple. Just a children’s museum with a friend, so the kiddo could run around and the adults could talk. And I welcomed the break from standing alone on the edge of a playground. For me, it was a great joy, just to be in a space with a friend. To share pleasantries, to exchange everyday news…but as we parted ways and I began to drive off, I felt this nagging pit that I had been a disappointment to my friend. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this. I’m blessed to have a tribe of women who share their lives with me. Who show up and eat meals, share laughs, and share tears with me. And afterwards, I always wonder if they found the moments worth their time. If what I had offered, had been worthwhile. I find myself desiring to keep them engaged; keep them interested, keep them inspired not to waste their time. Driving home Saturday this hit me hard. Why do I feel like my presence isn’t enough? That I can’t just share a space and quiet moments with the ones I love so dearly? Why do I feel this nagging that I need to offer something more?

     

    When did I become the girl who believed she, in and of herself, was not enough? That I need to prove myself valuable in order to be accepted. That love is conditional and not freely given. Is that really how I feel? And if I feel that way about myself, is that how I treat others? Will my daughter wonder if she has to earn my love?


    You are enough, I whisper.

    The kiddo is asleep in her car seat now. Head cocked slightly to the side, and hanging forward.

     

    You are enough. It’s my mantra now.

     

    Without entertaining, or counseling, or inspiring…just you, standing there, with your attempts at being present and your mind that is spinning and your fragmented sentences and your incomplete thoughts.

     

    You are enough.

     

    There have been so many who have shown in different ways that their love must be earned. That it comes at a price. And so I found myself believing that everyone feels this way. But there are those, who will sit silent on a couch with you and feel joy. There are those who will stand in a crowded museum, listening to your scattered thoughts and feel happy. There will be those who call just to hear you say everything is good, there is nothing new…to hear you mention grocery shopping and rattle on about potty training and laundry and oh you know, same old same old.

     

    There will always be those and even if not, there will always be Him, who knows just how simple and quiet and scattered and noisy your brain, your life, you, can be. And oh, how He loves you.

  • good friday.

    and there i was. feeling all sorts of nothing. 

    nothing worth noticing.
    nothing worth knowing.
    nothing worthwhile. 

    with a heart that was hurting. 
    and a head filled with questions. 
    and a list of lies, i was keen on believing. 

    and i was alone in my mess. 
    messy hair. messy house. messy life. 

    on the night it was finished
    the only it that truly matters. 
    the it that says, to me, you are worth everything. 

    worth suffering for.
    worth being humiliated for.
    worth dying for. 

    your heart that beats
    and feels
    and breaks
    is what i'm after. 

    i gave up everything, my own life, 
    for that heart. 
    and in me alone, is that heart safe,
    is that heart home. 

    there is good in suffering. 
    he suffered that we might be saved.
    may our earthly suffering
    be the kind that saves as well. 

    saves us from greater suffering,
    saves us for greater joy. 

  • thinking out loud.

    having it together.
    i'm still chasing that
    giving my days and my hours to that
    still believing that it is obtainable
    and i don't know

    because i paused today
    between yelling
    and striving
    and cleaning
    and crying
    to wonder if this is it

    if i'm running towards something,
    or just on an endless wheel.
    does anyone have it together?
    and what does that mean?

    when i seek that
    what am i wanting?

    order.
    order in the chaos of life.
    a moment to breathe, to pause,
    when everything is in its place
    and i can move forward.

    i'm crying out, lord!
    abba, father
    life is uncertain and overwhelming
    and i need control
    because i'm afraid

    i like neat boxes
    that i can check off
    i like lines on paper
    that i can cross off

    but now, there is only messy
    and broken
    and hurting
    and chaos.

    when i should seek you,
    i strive.
    when i should rest in you,
    i organize.
    believing that i can make sense of it,
    put this life into boxes with pretty labels.

    help me, lord, to learn to look for you
    when the mess is too much. 

  • i used to be cool.

    "you're not kayla" he says grinning, "you're rooney's mom" ...

    yes, i am.

    when those lines appeared and a new life was formed
    i was transformed.

    no longer the girl who read agatha christie obsessively
    but rooney's mom.

    no longer the teen who started a business
    but rooney's mom.

    no longer the young lady who up and moved to los angeles
    but rooney's mom.

    no longer the woman who lived in europe
    but rooney's mom.

    my life ebbs and flows with her rhythms.

    she is all the words on my tongue, and the thoughts in my brain.
    she is my first worry, and my last prayer.

    i didn't plan for this.
    yes, she was unexpected, in every way imaginable
    but i didn't plan for this loss of identity.

    no one told me that when i became a mom
    i would cease to be kayla to the world

    and that while i will treasure this role
    and while i won't be able to properly express my love
    i will desperately ache to know kayla
    because i, too, have forgotten her.

    i look at photos
    and recall memories
    as if kayla is an old friend that i've lost touch with
    and i'm curious how she's doing.

    i am not the very best mama
    i don't have any profound wisdom or insights
    but i want to shed light on motherhood,
    and its unshared shadows.

    sometimes our struggles
    outweigh our hearts

    sometimes our loneliness
    overwhelms our souls

    sometimes our identities
    are lost in the chaos of our lives.

    and though we offer our bodies
    and we offer our hearts
    our souls still long to be known,

    to be seen, as more than mama.